Tuesday, October 26, 2010

WE ARE ON HIATUS

Not for long, we promise.... but we are peacing out for a bit as we do a much needed marketing and design overhall. We hope to piss you off real soon.


Saturday, October 23, 2010

Why Send Grandpa to the Home?

by Texas T


Ah, the elderly, the easiest target in society. Health problems? Check. Good ol' days? Check. Slow? Check. Early to rise? Check. The first ones left to die in any movie/real life situation? Check.

"Hurry! Murder She Wrote is coming on soon."

The elderly have long been an almost dead weight on our society. Taking up space, wasting our time, and eating all the soft foods our growing babies need and deserve. What if there was a way to solve our problem with them? A way to make sure they don't waste precious things and won't squabble your potential inheritance on lotto tickets and lap dances. Well that would be an amazing solution. One that just might be crazy enough to work.


We should hunt them. As soon as these space occupying dust gatherers hit 70, it's off to the Reserve. I mean, why not? It would solve at least 40% of traffic jams, plus no more painful mourning. Just kill em and skin em. No harm, no foul, no more calls about how to fix the damn TV. Plus, make it a reality show, you could make millions. Send them all into a parking garage and have at it. I mean this is the most respectful way possible of course, they would get to choose the weapons you could use. Just imagine how many parking spaces at bingo there would be.


Just one bullet and the beach house is yours.

What about the corpses? Wouldn't they occupy the same space as the living bodies? Not if we ate them. Think, yes you may say cannibalism is brutish and perhaps a bit taboo, but think of the benefits. World hunger, solved in a matter of days. An entire new branch of cuisine to undertake. Plus, old people are somewhere close to 94% pudding, they'd be delicious. That sounds like a two birds and one stone solution to our problems. Until the world opens it's eyes and sees that this is a viable option, expect overcrowding and starving.

Plus this is just fucking revolting.

Tips From A Human Gourmet, Or A Gourmet Of Humans?

by Adam De Sade


Starvation. It usually plagues countries filled with minorities. Some say in 20 years time, our world will be full of minorities and thus, we will all be starving. But we can turn back the clocks of doom and wither away the growing population problem by simply expanding what is acceptable to put on our plates. That's right, I'm saying it: It's time we start eating people.

Cannibalism can be seen all across the animal kingdom
My cinematic ventures have taken me across the world and when I head East I end up eating some rather strange things. That was where I ate human flesh for the first time. Dee-lish. I might be pronouncing it wrong, but that was the poor lad's name from what I can remember. Mighty tasty. His family was proud I was going to take their son back home with me (little did they know my flight had toilets). Also, imagine how much more interesting we can make competitive eating if we include a cannibalism bracket!

This selfish prick helped himself to Dee's Nuts
With this article, I would like to offer some sage advice for the novice cannibal. You shouldn't start off with old people. Like fine wine and aged Gouda, the taste might come across as too bitter to the unrefined palate. Avoid buffet's or communal cannibal rituals; these events don't usually take all the necessary precautions in preparing human flesh. You don't wanna have to digest a butt when you yourself have the mud butt. Stick to baking man meat, boiling and broiling never works well.

C'mon McDonald's make my dream of the McFetus come true!
For those of you on a diet, try eating people from poor countries. Or, stick to the bones, (the marrow is fucking unbelievable and gives you the hardest boners). Also, don't limit yourself to meat from white people. Be adventurous! Try Indian food, it might taste bad, smell horrible, and destroy your bowels on the way out but it WORKS wonders spiritually. Scientists speculate it has something to do with their vegan lifestyles or swallowing another person's karma.

Friday, October 22, 2010

TTAASS: Texas T Against All Sober Steering

The world is plagued with various organizations ending in A.D.D. or the acronym for Against Drunk Driving. From Mothers ADD to Students ADD. They are really bringing down a past time enjoyed by many since the beginning of automobile history.
How can you be against these double D's?
Since the invention of alcoholic beverages and their combination with transportation, intoxicated joyriding has been a tradition spanning cultures and centuries. From the ancient Egyptians who used to have Jew races up the Pyramids to the Japanese drunk on sake riding dragons and tidal waves, the world before the invention of the automobile prospered with drunken shennanigans as a cornerstone. Do you think the Vikings would've landed in Greenland without a few drunken swerves? What about the Pilgrims? They landed on a rock. How smashed would they have to be to hit a rock about 3 ft. across? We wouldn't have Thanksgiving! Where would college football rivalries be? When would they be played? I demand answers!!
Finally, when mankind sacked up and made metal our bitch, then drunk driving became an issue. Since we can go faster, jump higher, and hit poles at incredible speeds all of the sudden it's time for awareness. I don't need you to tell me how much I can and cannot drink before I decide to take my 2000 lb car out for a spin. That's stepping in my freedom pie, and I am a goddamn American!
Three slices of Freedom Pie.
There are the naysayers who will comment on how drunk driving kills thousands a year. Well you know what else kills thousands a year while the authorities just stand by and watch? Heart disease, and no one is setting up roadblocks for that. Let alone attempting to prevent it by banning our hearts from driving. To all you sheep who blindly follow these groups and show them support, remember that you are supporting the crushing and dirtying of our freedoms. It's time ADD's get called out for being over the legal limit.
CRADD: Child Rapists Against Drunk Driving
These guys are looking for your support.

Six Is The New Twenty-Fun

by Adam De Sade


These days, children are forced to shoulder more and more burdens than ever before. Not only do they go to school but we cram their already busy schedules with extra-curricular activities and play dates. How the hell is a bored uncle supposed to molest a child these days? It's no wonder ADD and autism is on the rise these days. And if there ever was one way to kill two birds with one stone, alcohol is a heat-seeking boulder.

If these girls got an earlier start, they'd be too morbid with the World
to look this stupid.
Studies conducted in the prestigious nations of Moldovia, Serbia, and Myanmar have concluded that heavy amounts of alcohol work wonders for developing the growing minds of children. For decades, American parents have used the substance to put restless children to sleep when "they're trying to get their swerve on". Imagine a Montessori pre-school when the children are less inhibited after a few morning shots of Jager. Truly a magical image to behold!

Pets shouldn't pay the price for Youth Sobriety
If we expect them to live in this world we have so effectively destroyed and worsened, can't we at least give them the common courtesy of blissful stupidity? It would certainly get them used to the feeling by high school and college, so when they go out into the real world, (or whats left of it), they can be as effective drones as we are. There's a reason the 2009 Playskool Home Bar Deluxe playset is the fastest selling commodity since oil; "kids want the sauce, and we should give it to them!" - Ronald Reagan's dying words.

A young drunk is so much more manageable

Thursday, October 21, 2010

FAQ's: Do You Guys Have Pets?

Yes. Texas T had a pet Iguana Booboo who recently passed away. We sprayed a layer of hair-spray on the carcass in the hopes of preserving it while at the same time avoiding taxidermy costs.

Taken the morning after Booboo's slow and painful death...



De Sade has a cat, Phylicia Shauntelle. She's a single mother living with AID's on welfare and disability. She likes press-on nails and "Mo'ree Poh'vitch".

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

Kiddie Porn, The Veal of Pornography

by Adam De Sade

Child porn is magical. The veal cut of all pornagraphic materials. For some reason, since the 1830's, pedophilia has been shunned in the West. At one point in history, it was a common practice back in the day of Ancient Greece. (You know, those folks who brought us civilized thought and democracy). Furthermore, how can a society just completely dismiss something if they haven't tried it?! Trust this wise reader, the tenderness and purity is something you can never cleanse your palette of. If you don't know where to start, search for Eastern European origin; its to child porn what Bordeaux is to wines. Lip smacking, toe-curling, ball-draining yummers.

Most child porn stars follow in Mom's footsteps
Don't get me started with the minor issue over legality and consent, there are plenty of 8 year old harlots just looking to break out in a big way with mature audiences. Who are you, the Justice Department, or Interpol to stand in the way of such a beautiful thing? Why aren't Persian farmers, foot fetishists, or granny wankers being told to "have a seat please" by the gorgeous Chris Hanson? It's an awful double-standard...

From 4Chan, a pedo-bear's nest if you will
Why do you think that 76% of the children line up to star in the sequel?! Parents are almost always a part of the act. Would they put their children in harms way? No! that's why so often this lucrative and legitimate enterprise is so often a family run business! Think about it: how many "regular" porno's take place in a classroom or a child's bedroom? What's so wrong when they actually do take place in these settings? And with method acting enthusiasts!

Starring in a video is a great way to lose one's virginity. 1) You're likely working with a pro who's done this before and can gently walk you through the process. 2) You're going to have video of a memory that will last a lifetime! A gem you could pass on to your children and their children's children. 3) You can know that what you do makes a difference in a lonely man's life somewhere out there (likely Japan or video game enthusiast from the Bible Belt). Child porn is a God send. A TRUE GOD SEND! And that's a John Paul the Second quote, yeah, THAT GUY!

Man's Best Friend, with Benefits

by Texas T

A crowd favorite in rural communities and Mexico. Not quite illegal in a few states. Certainly a reasonable alternative, plus it's pretty much condoned by the Bible.
Thou shall not spill thy seed for there be some fine bitches
Beastiality isn't just about loving animals, it's about making the animals love you. Be it peanut butter and a curious canine or a moonlight rendezvous with Lil Ho Peep's flock there is no way to go too far or even too wrong. Unless you lose a penis or create a hybrid species.
Her father won the Preakness
America, and by proxy, the rest of the world has been obsessed since Heston made love to a monkey woman in Planet of the Apes (she was a prime-mate) the public line had been crossed and in turn been destroyed due to a lack of genetic similarities. I mean we do it doggy, froggy, even giraffe style, why not get back to the roots. Why does it have to be frowned upon? As a matter of fact, there may be a few of you who already are participants and don't even know it.
Ignorance is bliss
How many people have received donor organs made from pigs? Hmm? That pig heart is pumping pig blood filled with pig love through their veins. They love exactly as a pig would, selfishly and covered in their own fecal matter. It's only a matter of time before they return to their home species and get it on like Donkey Kong, or with Donkey Kong. What about the hallowed Donkey Shows? ONLY in Mexico? Just because they get paid less suddenly they are the only ones with standards that low? Please, we all know that if anybody can lower the standards faster and in a more dramatic fashion than a rollback at Wal-Mart it is America. Who are we to be the high browed disapproving people judging from our ivory towers?
GET OFF YOUR HIGH HORSE!
Or, get your high horse off.
Your call.

Monday, October 18, 2010

If Chivalry Aint Dead, Let's Kill It

by Adam De Sade

The days of holding doors open must come to an end. This societal alimony we call chivalry is too taxing on our equality, patience, and reason. As Texas T points out, they don't deserve it. They're second-class.

Typical New Jersey Breed Bitch
Think about it. We men, for whom mankind takes it name, pay for everything. Even when our sexless marriages come to an end we are expected to give this bitch half our stuff and continue to pay her a salary for once having performed only sufficiently the unspeakable acts of man service.


We can all learn a lot from the misunderstood Prophet Mel Gibson, and the perfectly understood Prophet Muhammed. Bitches need to know their place and the fist is the tools by which we are able to show them. A good wallop every now and then is healthy for a woman. Men aren't built to receive so much backsass and demands all the same time. Why not hit a woman? You want to have the right to get off this sinking ship first with all the children? You want equality but courtesy at the same time? Why? Because you birth child? I have to put up with your face and body in old age, shouldn't I get my share of courtesies?!


Furthermore, we just sit back and watch Ray Romano and the fat guy from King of Queens just constantly take crap from their wives every week on television. Forced to carryout all the chores, sleeping on sofas, and repeatedly fed the message that housewifery is hard work (BITCH PLEASE). Fuck these Barnard attending uppity bitches! Lifetime movies and biopics of women who've accomplished so much and what not, come on... Bitch its called HIStory, not HERstory! No one likes listening to what you have to say. You know why you never accomplished anything? Because like Ray Romano's wife all you do is talk shit, you are haters! You just run around bad mouthing us to the other prospective tuna bins. My penis ain't adequate? Your tits can't even fill my man sized palm! Cum dumpsters everywhere, you have been forewarned, our treaty of Bordeaux has been revoked. Chivalry has expired!


Women: The Failed Quest For Equality!

by Texas T

Women are, to say the least, 2nd class citizens. If you disagree, clearly you should be in the kitchen.
No internet when there are sandwiches to be made.
Much like Mexicans, they are meant to do jobs upstanding men would rather not bother with. For example, raising children, what testosterone filled man would stoop as low as giving a shit about their seed. Many famous leaders and powerful figures in history were the men they were because of the lack of attention their fathers showed them during childhood. The Spartans left their boys out to fend for themselves, and no one in Sparta stopped to think about how killing wild animals to survive made them feel.

Women are essentially child-bearing black holes of manhood. The moment you lower yourself to loving one, boom, you get hit with words like "commitment", "emotions", and "turn off the game we're going shopping". Every woman deserves two titles: Child Bearer and Sandwich Artist (which is surprising given how many men work at Subway). Glass Ceiling? Are you serious? It should be a concrete ceiling, reinforced with rebar. Women earn less because they matter less. You know what happens when females are allowed to lead?

Yep, Ballet. That just happened.

Now you women who managed to sneak on while your husband is out and about should know that it is strictly forbidden. Who will service us in bed and make us meals when you are equal? Black people? That's just racist. There is a reason prostitution is the world's oldest job and pimpin' is the world's oldest profession.


Your vagina has lead to all the terrible decisions you've made in your life, and it is also to blame for those of men. You are our scapegoats. Clinton? Women. JFK? Women. Tiger Woods? Women.

Exhibit A!
What about women who are visionaries and leaders in their fields? Look at Amelia Earhart. She was a leading pilot and aviation legend who disappeared when attempting to fly around the world. Guess what, the plane wasn't a kitchen or a bedroom so guess what happened? It' didn't function under the control of a woman. How about Catherine the Great, leader of Russia, and huge advocate of beastiality. Turns out the only reason they called her "the Great" was because her vagina was looser than gun laws in Africa. She used to fuck horses. HORSES! That is what happens when you let women rule.

In conclusion, because it feels like I'm going into more depth than women can handle, let me tell you this: The only reason we men need you around is for food and fucking.

What did a woman say once?
"Have your cake, and eat it too."

Sunday, October 17, 2010

Endless Loop Of Stupidity 101

by The Duo

Stepping on the many to please the few. - Jesus, Book of Books



Two outsiders. Hipster haters. Who upon ascending their respective social pyramids took a step back and shuttered in disgust at the seemingly endless loop of stupidity. (refer to diagram)


They convened with the 28th Order of the Shaolin in the Nepalese mountains. There, under guidance and nourishment, the trio gathered their knowledge, wits, and sanity and thus these words of wisdom were unleashed upon the Earth. (Below Chief Monk Swami)


The duo wishes everyone who visits this blog first free themselves of their preconceived mindsets, their dull personalities, their prudence which shackles their creativity, and their sensitivity which shelters them in comfort. Open your minds and close your hearts for the Age of Enlightenment is upon us.

And now, a few words about your deserved and dedicated Gurus:



Adam De Sade: Adam was born into Nobility in the cosmopolitan branch of an old French family, the Fran├žois'. He spent summers in Monte Carlo where he developed his world renown expertise in foreskin re-growth in an attempt to help the fledgling Monte Carlan Jews assimilate. This former darling of the bestiality scene comes from money older than ancient Egypt. And yet, he still managed to amass a Rothschild-esque fortune in his rich man's black-market production of snuff films and child porn. His films included forgotten members of Eastern European royalty which appealed to the classiest clientele who were willing to pay record fees in the hundreds of millions. He served as a confidant to both the current and previous Pope.



Texas T: A pseudonym adopted because of his oily skin, little is known about this lost and found soul. Rumors abound that he was born in Detroit and raised by wolves, others state he came from an orphanage in the Canadian Rockies and was raised by wolves. While his origins are not known, how he came to be is a well documented and amazing story. One morning, when he was a teenager, he was eating a piece of cake at a local grocery and caught the eye of a modelling agent. He was asked to pose for a few photos. Next thing you know, he's naked, crying, and a few hundred dollars wealthier. Deciding that his lack of morals and a gag reflex could lead to more money he quickly rose through the ranks of male escorts famously becoming Tiger Woods' mister number 1. Before the publicity storm had reached it's climax he left the country, waiting to return.

Laziness In America

by Texas T

Yeah, that's right I'm yelling at all you who are too lazy to get up out of your chair and walk up the stairs. You are the reason our economy is in the shitter.
You painted your stumps? Let me guess,
you also studied the Liberal Arts? Hippies.

Not just any lazy group, I'm talking the handicapped. These freewheeling, freeloading bastards are taking away valuable taxpayer money for prime parking spots and ramps. Seriously, they even have their own Olympics. What a serious group of elitists, all of the sudden because I have both legs and functioning eyes I can't race in your hurdle race? Fuck you. This is an issue that, much like Bieber Fever, is plaguing America.

First, let us take a look into the world of the blind. They can't see the benefits, but they sure as hell use em. For instance, a lack of sight and a need to get from one place to another requires a stick. Over any given walk the stick may run into trees, cracks in the sidewalk, the edge of a cliff, or even small mammals some actual life saving advantages. One thing I conveniently left out for dramatic purposes was the attack on America's ankles. You know what we call that in the visual world? Assault with a dangerous weapon.
Book him!!!
Secondly, you know what I can't stand hearing about? The deaf. Honestly, they are one of America's largest gangs, they even have a language spoken with their hands. Sending signals at great distances, their goal is world domination. Not content to sit by as second class citizens and play the hand they were dealt, there are even different dialects of the language. Pretty soon when you call customer service lines it's gonna be "for sign language press 3" and I'll be damned if I have to wait for options like that when I'm trying to fix my membership to Us Weekly. What could be worse? Oh, right! They've infiltrated the highest levels of society.

Lastly, and I've done these in the order I'd pick them for dodgeball, the physically disabled. Wheelchairs, crutches, canes, even a limp these are the biggest group of pussies I've ever even heard of. I'd sit here and berate you with facts about how it's more work for me to walk into a store than it is for someone to roll there, but I have some semblance of a conscience. Plus, there have been movies and TV shows made about fixing the Para Olympics. I'd just be beating a dead horse. Don't they kill horses if their legs don't work?
Field Trip to the Glue Factory

Retards Are Special Enough As Is

by Adam De Sade



Today was the last day I will move to the back of the bus for possessing an above 70 I.Q. Retarded people are privileged with looking young for their entire life, should they also be entitled to a "special status" in a modern society like ours? They seem to be the only people on Earth who don't pity themselves, why should we?


Mexicans agree, they take up the jobs that would have gone to them (kitchen work at fast food restaurants, walmart greeters, human traffic cones) but for an exponentially higher salary. Including benefits like those nifty sweaters only their round headed selves could pull off wearing.


These welfare queens sit on thrones of pity. And when they roam the streets, given at their incredibly slow pace, they hurl derogatory remarks at us, laugh behind our backs, and drool on our sidewalks. It's time America grew weary of their agenda: WE WANNA BE JUST LIKE YOU! You do, do you? So take your handicaps like a man, put down the glue, and start asking the big questions like the rest of us! Oh wait, thats right you already believe in God. A God who made you 'estrah speshall'. You're a fucking menace to society!


I'de get started on their version of the Olympics, but my blood is boiling as is... Till next time, stay equal America. No one's special. NO ONE.

AIDS? That Is Soo 90s.

by Texas T

You know what happens when people become HIV positive? They lose all of my sympathy, as well as 40% of their body weight.
You can get your sympathy from Hallmark, Mr. Hanks
Seriously, they've made every other disease look like a mild case of upset tummy.
8 out 9 elementary school children surveyed believed that was "unfair" and the other was still forced to go back to class.
Remember the glory days? Black Lung, Bubonic Plague, even Cholera. I mean fucking Cholera used to be the shit, with it's letter jacket and a new convertible from Dad. Driving around and spitting in the local watering hole, and yet it wasn't enough.The Plague was sent to Juvee. Black Lung knocked up Scurvy and they are living in a rough part of town, he ironically enough is a coal miner. Even the Cancer Cartel got broken down into groups, it's the modern equivalent of the division of the Eastern Bloc. Yet, there sits AIDS, never graduating and always there with the perfect one liner. What a front runner.
Yet, all the funding in the world that could be diverted to water slides, hookers, and blow seems to be siphoned over to some person attempting to rid the world of AIDS. I'd donate, but we all know they'll just spend it on water slides, hookers, and blow so my money stays put.
Who gets all this funding? Who wants to help AIDS graduate? Much like the nerd who sticks around the popular kids, and turns out to be the most conniving and fame hungry of them all. I believe this is commonly referred to as The Screech Effect:
What's that you say? Saved By The Bell? The show with that nerdy kid?
Fuck you Dustin Diamond, you are the AIDS of the 90s.

Breast Cancer! Gosh, What’s That?!

by Adam De Sade



This Sunday will mark the third week the NFL has succumbed to the Awareness Nazis of Madison Avenue: Players across the League are forced to wear embarassing shoes, armbands, and hats with the color pink. The color of weakness and the good kind of nipples. Didn’t the news of the last holdout of Breast Cancer Unawares deep in the Amazon come out over a decade ago?! Who isn’t aware of breast cancer?

For the 30th year in a row, Breast Cancer tops the chart of “Sexiest Cancers of the Year”. Even members of the Illinois “Itty-Bitty-Titty-Committee,” have come out in condemnation of the NFL’s decision stating “Breasts everywhere have more, (less actually), pressing matters in bra”.

“The statistics are startling” says the re-animated corpse of Charles S. Kettering, the father of modern cancer research. He added “320 out of every 100 dollars donated to cancer charities goes toward breast cancer while the other cancers are left to claw at the scraps of removed tissue.”

1 out of every 80 breast cancer patients will succumb to the disease, and while this is a slight tragedy, the Carcinogenic Holocaust goes unnoticed. 8 out of 10 victims of Penile Cancer die an embarassing death, closed coffin and all. 3 out of 5 patients who suffer from Prostate Cancer die within months. Colon cancer eats at 82% of its victims from the inside out. Testicular cancer seems to be at an alltime high, with an average of 20 castrations a week being carried out in operating rooms in hospitals around the country. But, plastic surgeons crocodile tears would have you pity the women who technically receive upgrades after they lose their appendages.

Enough is enough America! Let us be aware that too much awareness is not a good thing! Come now, let us turn a blind Sudanese eye to this “affliction,” our apathy would be more fitting.