Friday, October 22, 2010

Six Is The New Twenty-Fun

by Adam De Sade

These days, children are forced to shoulder more and more burdens than ever before. Not only do they go to school but we cram their already busy schedules with extra-curricular activities and play dates. How the hell is a bored uncle supposed to molest a child these days? It's no wonder ADD and autism is on the rise these days. And if there ever was one way to kill two birds with one stone, alcohol is a heat-seeking boulder.

If these girls got an earlier start, they'd be too morbid with the World
to look this stupid.
Studies conducted in the prestigious nations of Moldovia, Serbia, and Myanmar have concluded that heavy amounts of alcohol work wonders for developing the growing minds of children. For decades, American parents have used the substance to put restless children to sleep when "they're trying to get their swerve on". Imagine a Montessori pre-school when the children are less inhibited after a few morning shots of Jager. Truly a magical image to behold!

Pets shouldn't pay the price for Youth Sobriety
If we expect them to live in this world we have so effectively destroyed and worsened, can't we at least give them the common courtesy of blissful stupidity? It would certainly get them used to the feeling by high school and college, so when they go out into the real world, (or whats left of it), they can be as effective drones as we are. There's a reason the 2009 Playskool Home Bar Deluxe playset is the fastest selling commodity since oil; "kids want the sauce, and we should give it to them!" - Ronald Reagan's dying words.

A young drunk is so much more manageable

No comments:

Post a Comment