AIDS? That Is Soo 90s.

by Texas T

You know what happens when people become HIV positive? They lose all of my sympathy, as well as 40% of their body weight.

You can get your sympathy from Hallmark, Mr. Hanks

Seriously, they've made every other disease look like a mild case of upset tummy.

8 out 9 elementary school children surveyed believed that was "unfair" and the other was still forced to go back to class.

Remember the glory days? Black Lung, Bubonic Plague, even Cholera. I mean fucking Cholera used to be the shit, with it's letter jacket and a new convertible from Dad. Driving around and spitting in the local watering hole, and yet it wasn't enough.The Plague was sent to Juvee. Black Lung knocked up Scurvy and they are living in a rough part of town, he ironically enough is a coal miner. Even the Cancer Cartel got broken down into groups, it's the modern equivalent of the division of the Eastern Bloc. Yet, there sits AIDS, never graduating and always there with the perfect one liner. What a front runner.

Yet, all the funding in the world that could be diverted to water slides, hookers, and blow seems to be siphoned over to some person attempting to rid the world of AIDS. I'd donate, but we all know they'll just spend it on water slides, hookers, and blow so my money stays put.

Who gets all this funding? Who wants to help AIDS graduate? Much like the nerd who sticks around the popular kids, and turns out to be the most conniving and fame hungry of them all. I believe this is commonly referred to as The Screech Effect:

What's that you say? Saved By The Bell? The show with that nerdy kid?

Fuck you Dustin Diamond, you are the AIDS of the 90s.

Breast Cancer! Gosh, What’s That?!

by Adam De Sade



This Sunday will mark the third week the NFL has succumbed to the Awareness Nazis of Madison Avenue: Players across the League are forced to wear embarassing shoes, armbands, and hats with the color pink. The color of weakness and the good kind of nipples. Didn’t the news of the last holdout of Breast Cancer Unawares deep in the Amazon come out over a decade ago?! Who isn’t aware of breast cancer?

For the 30th year in a row, Breast Cancer tops the chart of “Sexiest Cancers of the Year”. Even members of the Illinois “Itty-Bitty-Titty-Committee,” have come out in condemnation of the NFL’s decision stating “Breasts everywhere have more, (less actually), pressing matters in bra”.

“The statistics are startling” says the re-animated corpse of Charles S. Kettering, the father of modern cancer research. He added “320 out of every 100 dollars donated to cancer charities goes toward breast cancer while the other cancers are left to claw at the scraps of removed tissue.”

1 out of every 80 breast cancer patients will succumb to the disease, and while this is a slight tragedy, the Carcinogenic Holocaust goes unnoticed. 8 out of 10 victims of Penile Cancer die an embarassing death, closed coffin and all. 3 out of 5 patients who suffer from Prostate Cancer die within months. Colon cancer eats at 82% of its victims from the inside out. Testicular cancer seems to be at an alltime high, with an average of 20 castrations a week being carried out in operating rooms in hospitals around the country. But, plastic surgeons crocodile tears would have you pity the women who technically receive upgrades after they lose their appendages.

Enough is enough America! Let us be aware that too much awareness is not a good thing! Come now, let us turn a blind Sudanese eye to this “affliction,” our apathy would be more fitting.