Saturday, October 23, 2010

Tips From A Human Gourmet, Or A Gourmet Of Humans?

by Adam De Sade

Starvation. It usually plagues countries filled with minorities. Some say in 20 years time, our world will be full of minorities and thus, we will all be starving. But we can turn back the clocks of doom and wither away the growing population problem by simply expanding what is acceptable to put on our plates. That's right, I'm saying it: It's time we start eating people.

Cannibalism can be seen all across the animal kingdom
My cinematic ventures have taken me across the world and when I head East I end up eating some rather strange things. That was where I ate human flesh for the first time. Dee-lish. I might be pronouncing it wrong, but that was the poor lad's name from what I can remember. Mighty tasty. His family was proud I was going to take their son back home with me (little did they know my flight had toilets). Also, imagine how much more interesting we can make competitive eating if we include a cannibalism bracket!

This selfish prick helped himself to Dee's Nuts
With this article, I would like to offer some sage advice for the novice cannibal. You shouldn't start off with old people. Like fine wine and aged Gouda, the taste might come across as too bitter to the unrefined palate. Avoid buffet's or communal cannibal rituals; these events don't usually take all the necessary precautions in preparing human flesh. You don't wanna have to digest a butt when you yourself have the mud butt. Stick to baking man meat, boiling and broiling never works well.

C'mon McDonald's make my dream of the McFetus come true!
For those of you on a diet, try eating people from poor countries. Or, stick to the bones, (the marrow is fucking unbelievable and gives you the hardest boners). Also, don't limit yourself to meat from white people. Be adventurous! Try Indian food, it might taste bad, smell horrible, and destroy your bowels on the way out but it WORKS wonders spiritually. Scientists speculate it has something to do with their vegan lifestyles or swallowing another person's karma.

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