Sunday, October 17, 2010

Breast Cancer! Gosh, What’s That?!

by Adam De Sade

This Sunday will mark the third week the NFL has succumbed to the Awareness Nazis of Madison Avenue: Players across the League are forced to wear embarassing shoes, armbands, and hats with the color pink. The color of weakness and the good kind of nipples. Didn’t the news of the last holdout of Breast Cancer Unawares deep in the Amazon come out over a decade ago?! Who isn’t aware of breast cancer?

For the 30th year in a row, Breast Cancer tops the chart of “Sexiest Cancers of the Year”. Even members of the Illinois “Itty-Bitty-Titty-Committee,” have come out in condemnation of the NFL’s decision stating “Breasts everywhere have more, (less actually), pressing matters in bra”.

“The statistics are startling” says the re-animated corpse of Charles S. Kettering, the father of modern cancer research. He added “320 out of every 100 dollars donated to cancer charities goes toward breast cancer while the other cancers are left to claw at the scraps of removed tissue.”

1 out of every 80 breast cancer patients will succumb to the disease, and while this is a slight tragedy, the Carcinogenic Holocaust goes unnoticed. 8 out of 10 victims of Penile Cancer die an embarassing death, closed coffin and all. 3 out of 5 patients who suffer from Prostate Cancer die within months. Colon cancer eats at 82% of its victims from the inside out. Testicular cancer seems to be at an alltime high, with an average of 20 castrations a week being carried out in operating rooms in hospitals around the country. But, plastic surgeons crocodile tears would have you pity the women who technically receive upgrades after they lose their appendages.

Enough is enough America! Let us be aware that too much awareness is not a good thing! Come now, let us turn a blind Sudanese eye to this “affliction,” our apathy would be more fitting.

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